Ooh! Meaningful eye contact with Beau Brody!
- God, he's so cute. - He is a god.
That was hardly meaningful. It wasn't even a two-second hold.
Well, maybe he's just shy. Ooh, what if he asks you to Fall Fling?
Dawn, Beau Brody is the captain of the soccer team.
A guy that far up on the food chain would never ask me.
I wear a penguin head.
OK, don't look, but he is looking over here again.
OK, don't look!
Ooh, what if Beau's asking Joey Donner
if he and Chastity wanna double date with you and Beau?
- You two would make the cutest couple. - Hey, Fivehead!
That was my swimwear walk.
I don't think it works with jeans.
- No, it does. - Thanks.
So listen, you wanna go to Fall Fling with my friend Beau over there?
Why? Does he wanna go with me?
Yeah, but he wants me to ask you.
He says he gets shy around pretty girls.
Shut up. He said that? Out loud?
I told you.
I swear to God, sometimes I think I'm psychic.
- OK, bye. - OK, bye.
[both laughing]
- No way. - Please? This is momentous.
This is a milestone moment in my young life.
My chance to finally have my first date.
Not just any date, a date to the most important dance of the fall
with the cutest boy at school.
I thought you said Joey Donner was the cutest.
Who's not taken.
I've had a crush on Beau Brody all week long.
Ooh. Have you picked out invitations?
Kat, I'm begging you.
I think Beau and I could be soul mates.
Like you and Patrick Verona.
Wow. You realize this isn't Sweet Valley High, right?
You leave me no choice.
- Patrick? - Don't you dare...
- Please take my sister to Fall Fling. - Excuse her.
She was dropped as an infant and has episodes.
Let's get you medicated.
Deep, deep down beneath my sister's crusty exoskeleton,
she has a soft spot for you.
I am going to kill you in your sleep.
I'm sorry, but I'm desperate.
[exhales]
My father is a freak who won't let me date until she does,
so please take her to the dance?
You could consider it a contribution to the Free Bianca Stratford Foundation.
OK. I'll do it.
- [Bianca] What? - What?
I'll take you to that dance.
Even if you are serious, what makes you think I'd go?
Don't ask questions, just say yes.
I am serious.
I'd like see how you look in a dress. I'll pick you up at 7::00.
We both have dates to the dance.
Sleep with one eye open.
[theme song plays]
I'm bummed.
Chastity and I aren't going to the dance 'cause she's getting her gums scraped.
Uh-huh. So tell me more about Bianca.
Oh, she's really cool.
She's great at chemistry, and she's got this really great face.
It's symmetrical,
but not too symmetrical, 'cause that could get boring.
Right.
So she bought that stuff about me being shy around pretty girls?
Why wouldn't she buy it? It's true, right?
Dude, I'm the David Beckham of Padua High.
I don't need to be shy.
But girls dig it.
It's non-threatening.
Not cool, Beau.
- Because of you, I lied to her. - Hey man, I'm sorry...
She's a nice girl. You better treat her right...
...or I'll treat you wrong.
[scoffs]
Jeez, touchy, touchy.
Yeah, she can't be that sweet.
After all, she did sleep with Mr. Ross.
[laughs]
I plan on treating her right.
[cell phone ringtone]
You're talking to Beau.
Ahh! Thanks for getting back to me.
Can I book a room for Saturday night?
Two people. No, no, no.
One bed.
[laughs]
[Cameron] I mean, what do you really know about this Beau guy?
He's cute, and he has the best smile.
And...
If I tell you something, do you swear to never repeat it to anyone?
- Sure. - This will be my first date, ever.
- This is your first date? - Shh!
Not so loud.
I don't want anybody to think I'm Amish.
But Bianca, your first date should be special.
With someone who cares about you and respects you.
How much more special can you get than the super-hot captain
of the soccer team?
But are his intentions honorable?
We're going to a high school dance, not Colonial Williamsburg.
I don't know. I just have a bad feeling about him.
I know. Why don't you cancel and we can go together?
Oh, you don't have a date.
Well, that's OK. You can go with another friend.
Someone like, um...
Benji! Hey.
Bye, Cameron.
It's not see-through. That's good.
Three inches above the knee.
Denied.
But, Daddy, this is the sixth dress you've rejected.
Why don't you wear that one you wore to last year's school play?
It was my costume. I was playing Helen Keller.
It was flattering.
- Even she could have seen that. - [Kat] Hey, Daddy.
Kat, I'll need to approve your outfit as well.
- I'm going in this. - Approved.
You can't wear that to the dance. Patrick wants to see you in a dress.
So I should give my date everything he wants?
- Give your date nothing he wants. - [cell phone rings]
Come with me. I'll get you fixed up.
- I don't need your help. - You're right.
What you need is a team of professional stylists, but I'm what you got.
- Patrick is going to love me. - [scoffs]
- Bianca, that dress is still too short! - I'll slouch!
Here we go.
[laughs]
- Ugh! This is scary. - Don't blink.
This dress will not look good with an eye patch.
Why do women do this? Do men say:
"Oh, gosh, she'd be perfect if she had black crap all over her eyelashes?"
I finally get to make you over, and you're sucking all the joy out of it.
Sorry.
Wow.
I've been tuning you out for so long, I never realized you're actually pretty.
Oh, my God.
I look like a princess.
This is my first date, and I'm so excited.
I think I might pee my pants.
Please don't. These shoes are open-toe.
And unlike you, I have realistic expectations.
These things are never fun.
How would you know? You've never been to one.
[motorcycle approaches]
It's Patrick. He's here.
Wait till he sees you looking like that. He is going to die.
Not if I die first.
- [doorbell rings] - [Kat groans]
I should go save him from Dad.
No, wait. You have to wait for your descent.
- What are you talking about? - Your descent down the stairs.
There's one in every great movie.
Like She's All That,
The classic film about the pretty-ugly girl who becomes pretty?
Coincidence? I think not.
You realize you're not actually living in a teen movie, right?
Be sure to go so slowly.
It looks like you're moving in slow motion.
That'll give him time to realize he's falling in love.
Seriously, read a newspaper.
Wait.
Take this lip gloss.
Just in case he gets past your defenses.
[Walter] This is the baby crowning.
This is what placenta looks like.
Here's the father cutting the cord, but that's only symbolic,
because he's responsible for that baby for the rest of his life.
Got it. Sex makes babies.
Are you done with your inquisition, Dad?
We have a stupid teen cliche to be at.
I was showing your friend with the disturbingly deep voice
who looks older than 1 7 what could happen if he's not careful.
And by careful, I don't mean use a condom.
I mean keep it in your pants.
- Ow. - Dad.
I'll be home by curfew.
I'm so sorry. His Tourette's is acting up.
OK. He just really cares about you.
Plus, it's funny how fast he turns red.
It is, isn't it?
We taking my bike?
Please tell me he's talking about his ten speed.
We're taking my car.
Don't worry, I have my stun gun.
Kat.
Seatbelts.
Yes.
[# Girls Love Shoes: Flaunt]
Cameron...
...he stood me up.
I didn't get to show off this dress.
I didn't get to slow dance.
I didn't get my first kiss.
Beau is such a jerk.
He's king of the jerks.
He rules Jerklandia.
Just because he ruined your date doesn't mean he should ruin your evening.
He also ruined my Monday, when I have to face everyone at school.
Bianca, this is crazy.
Let's go to the dance.
This pity party's just getting started.
The DJ's gonna spin some serious Kelly Clarkson.
Fine. Your loss.
But if we don't go to the dance, you'll never see my sick moves.
[laughs]
- You have sick moves? - Are you kidding?
I'm the conductor of the hot-tamale train.
Whoop-whoop!
I'm sorry, Cameron, I just don't think I can do it.
If we go to the dance,
all they'll be talking about Monday is how beautiful you are.
[# Carlton J. Smith: Turn It Up & Let Loose]
[indistinct chatter]
Wow. And I thought school was bad in the daytime.
What do you think will happen first? A conga line or the electric slide?
Pretty sure I feel the Macarena coming on.
[song ends]
[# Michael Rossback: Carry Me On]
No Macarena, Darn.
Well, that's all right. This is just as awkward.
I'd hardly call this dancing.
These kids are just dry-humping to music.
In that case, care to dance?
No way.
Oh, I see.
You can't dance.
Oh, I can dance.
Yeah? Prove it.
Oh! I'm sorry. I'll try to let you lead.
Now, this I gotta see.
Wow, I can almost forget I ate lunch here yesterday.
There will be other first dates.
You're right.
- Thanks for being so sweet. - I love this song. Do you wanna dance?
Thank God you're here. I'm on the fence about Eric.
Do you think guyliner is sexy or just weird?
- Mmm. - Yeah, I think so too.
- So where's Beau? - He stood me up.
Oh, my God. We hate him.
Tell me everything.
Uh...
Hey, string bean.
Hey, Benji.
Wow. I think this is the longest I've ever seen you quiet.
Ahh, and there goes the nice moment.
[# Beautiful Small Machines: Superconductor (Pigmix)]
Yeah, I can't do this.
Me either. You wanna get some punch?
- Did you really just say that? - Yeah, I did.
[laughs]
[Cameron] OK.
Time for my sick moves.
You ready?
Oh, yeah!
This is called the rollercoaster.
That is sick.
Or perhaps you'd prefer to dance with an Egyptian?
I'll be your Cleopatra.
[Bianca laughs]
[Patrick] Why you gotta be like that, baby?
[Kat] Don't call me baby. I don't like it.
You are my baby. And I eat babies to get strong.
[Kat] Babies are smarter than me. Wanna make out?
So listen, I never thanked you for the other night.
During the fire.
Yeah, that kiss was pretty good, right?
No.
For rescuing my mom's records.
Maybe you weren't raised by wolves.
Was that almost a compliment?
Almost.
Come on, let's get out of here.
- And go where? - Anywhere.
The beach.
That's exactly what this dress is missing.
Sand.
I'll give you a piggyback ride.
Don't be scared. I'm not gonna try and kiss you again.
Not even if you beg me.
Don't hold your breath.
Meet me downstairs. I gotta take a leak.
Good to know.
By the way, I was right.
About what?
About how good you'd look in a dress.
[# Kyle J. Wittlin: Congissimo]
And step, step, step, cha!
Step, step, step, cha!
This is so cheesy and so much fun.
[# Jamie Kimmett: Where I'm Supposed To Be]
- Up close, you're really tall. - Yep.
- Up close, your hair smells nice. - Really?
It's this new shampoo. It has jojoba oil in it.
- Ho-wow. - [laughs]
Cameron, thanks for making me come.
You...
...saved my night.
I'm always here for you.
[Beau] Bianca, there you are.
I am so sorry.
You're not gonna believe what happened.
[retching]
[Beau] Look, I know you're mad.
This is me annoyed. You don't want to see me mad.
I would've been there at 7::00, but some kids let the air out of my tires.
- You could've called. - I can't find my phone.
- I've looked everywhere. - You couldn't find another phone?
I didn't have her number.
- Not like it's any of your business. - Don't you dare talk to him like that.
While you were thinking up lame excuses, he was there for me.
[Beau's cell phone ringtone]
That's my phone.
I think it's echoing off the walls. It could be anywhere.
No, it's close.
Just...
Cameron.
Dude, you stole my phone?
[scoffs] Why would I do that?
I already have a phone, Beau.
- This must have fallen in there. - Wait here.
Cameron, what's going on?
I overheard him talking in the locker room.
He was planning on taking you to a hotel room.
So you deflate his tires and steal his phone?
It sounds a little crazy when you say it like that,
but I did it to protect you, Bianca.
Protect me?
You ruined my first date, and I can never have a first date again.
No, listen, you can't trust him.
Can't trust him? I can't trust you. I thought we were friends.
- We are friends, but I had... - Just stay out of my life, Cameron.
Let's go.
Bianca.
Whoa-ho!
I'm so trashed, for a second, I thought you were Patrick Verona.
It's me, Keith.
Nice try. You wouldn't come to a dance.
Unless you're a narc.
- Is this a bust? - I'm not a narc. I'm here on a date.
Now, do you mind?
No, actually, I'm glad you're here. I feel way less lame now.
You want some? It's medical.
I have early-stage glaucoma.
I told you I smelled something illegal.
[# Jamie Kimmett: Plaything]
So where do you wanna go?
I don't care. Just drive.
I do have that hotel room.
- [groans] Take me home. - OK.
Are you up?
[Kat] Yeah.
I had the worst first date ever.
Boys are vicious, cruel creatures.
Remember that the next time you watch She's All That,
Why aren't you with Patrick?
Who knows?
You'd have to ask him.
I saw you guys dancing with my own two eyes, unless I need glasses.
Ooh. I could get sexy smart ones like Tina Fey.
Are we seriously talking about eyewear?
Sorry.
Not important.
Let's talk about Patrick. What happened?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Got it.
I can tell you about my disaster of an evening.
I don't want you to talk either.
Fine.
You know, Dad warns us every day about getting pregnant.
You're lucky. He warns me twice a day.
Yeah, well...
...he never mentions all the other ways a guy can screw you.
Amen, sister.